As I lay in bed awake at 4 in the morning with the jabs and kicks of our baby in my ribs, I think about my mom. And I wonder what she must have felt after raising two babies, losing two babies, and carrying me – the surprise baby – later in life. (To be fair, she was younger than me but thought she was long done with making babies!) Did she have the same fears that I carry? Did she feel inadequate? Did she feel ill-prepared? Did she feel this same pressure?
As I lean back on the couch and grab Micah’s hand to feel this kid rolling around inside my belly, I think about my Pop. What did Pop feel as he felt the kicks of his 3 babies and likely all of his grandkids too. Was it fear too? Fear for how to provide for this baby? How to find extra work to save extra money for what’s to come? Did Pop feel this same pressure?
But as I stood behind the pew in front of us on Sunday singing along in praise to the creator who gives and takes away, with the sweetest flutters of a super active baby, I felt the pressure I’d been carrying subside. Instead I felt the overwhelming calm of his perfect peace whisper that it’s true – I am inadequate and ill-prepared. We cannot provide for this baby or work enough to save enough for what’s to come. It’s out of our hands. But He is holding us in his. And I can stand with confidence in Jesus, the promise keeper, trusting in his plans and provision for us and for our child.
He is holding us still.