(Today’s blog post includes details regarding pregnancy, miscarriage, and motherhood. Please feel free to skip this post if these topics are especially painful for you in this season of life.)
One year ago today everything changed.
I woke up on March 26, 2019, before Micah and as I laid in bed, I had a gut feeling that I should take a pregnancy test. I knew I was a little late but my head convinced myself that I was getting worked up for no reason. My gut is never wrong.
I took the test, washed my hands, brushed my teeth, washed my face and honestly forgot about it all together. I glanced over to see if it was done and there it was – Pregnant.
I walked back into our bedroom and looked at Micah and without me saying a word, he said “you’re pregnant.”
We were in shock but as anyone who has had a miscarriage knows, I was cautious to let myself get excited. My doctor had advised me months prior that when we were ready to try for a baby (we were not) and when we got pregnant again, I was to call her as soon as I took a positive test and so that’s what I did while Micah got ready for work.
And then we prayed. We prayed for the life inside of me to live. We prayed for my health. We prayed for our hearts. We prayed for my doctor. We prayed for this baby to live.
And we went on with our day. I had a lunch meeting with two students, Micah had a full day at work. My doctor had me come in for bloodwork so we could start monitoring hormone levels. And again, like anyone whose had a miscarriage knows, I prayed with every single trip to the bathroom that this baby would live.
“Lord, please don’t let me lose this baby” became a prayer I prayed over and over for months.
I said it with every call from the nurse with my blood work results.
I said it with every ultrasound.
I said it with every tinge of pain I felt for months.
I said it while driving when someone would pull out in front of me.
I said it while on a boat with friends over the summer and on the many planes I took for work trips during my pregnancy.
I said it as I pricked my finger to check my blood sugar 5 times a day and I said it with each growing contraction and each push during delivery.
And if I’m honest, I still say it now because if there’s anything I’ve learned over the course of my life is that each breath is a gift.
Today marks the day we found out we were pregnant but it marks something so much greater for me. Today marks the day I started praying over the life of my baby boy.
Being a mom has changed me in ways I haven’t even quite discovered yet but one thing is certain – I understand the prayers of my mama in a new way. I understand her in a new way. And I pray that when my time on earth is done, Henry knows the way I do just how much his mama loved him and prayed God’s best over his life.
And for us, that started one year ago today.