We’re making room for a beautiful new life to join our family over the next few months. It’s still surreal to talk about because just a few months ago, I was having a conversation with a student about how I felt God giving me a peace about our future – with or without kids. The next week I was staring at a positive pregnancy test, both scared and excited (but mostly scared) for what is to come.
I wish I could say that this first trimester has been full of excitement and bliss but that would be a lie. Getting pregnant after experiencing loss is scary. Getting pregnant when so many people around you are praying for a baby fills your heart with guilt and shame. Getting pregnant and preparing for a new way of life as a mom is terrifying. Celebrating pregnancy milestones of one baby while mourning the due date of the one you lost is excruciating.
My counselor and I have talked a lot about the way in which Christians have the ability to stand in the tension of pain and hope, holding one in each hand; recognizing that pain is real and a real part of life while also holding onto the hope we have in Christ, knowing that this world is not our home. And as I think about the kind of mom I want to be, it’s one that tells the truth; one that is honest about the pain that this world brings but is also spreading a message of hope into the lives of our children.
I want to say this: In my vulnerability of how hard the past few months have been, I want to make it clear just how grateful I am for the life inside of me. I know that this is a miracle and a true gift from God. I also know because of our previous loss that this gift could be taken away in an instant. But we celebrate this life inside of me and we are sharing with those who love us and who will pray for us.
I’m also praying for all who read this, fully aware that the sting of loss is real and if this is causing pain, know that my heart goes out to you and that I have never been more prayerful for those in my life who have experienced pregnancy loss or infertility than I have these past few months. This pregnancy has not taken away the pain of loss but in ways has amplified it. But we are pressing forward with a heart of gratitude to the God who gives and takes away and who is always, always, working all things together for our good.
Please do pray for us as we prepare our hearts and home for a baby to join us in early December. We can use all we can get! 🙂